That Hooded Figure Is My Son

That hooded shape standing at the edge of a canyon? That's my youngest son.

Silas.

He's 12 here.

He's complicated. But he’s also incredibly bright, witty, dark, and im·pen·e·tra·ble.

Often feeling impossible to reach, a walnut... a metaphor a high school teacher once used to describe me. He gives up nothing...until we are at our breaking point but by then, it's usually too late. And other times, he completely surprises me and the love is fierce.

Traveling 10 days with him through the Southwest I learned a few things:

1) Fear of snakes is real. We journeyed to the American International Rattlesnake Museum and was unsuccessful in getting him to pose next to pythons, rattlers, and large spiders that just wanted out. Because inside that kid was a fear that was just trying to find it’s way out without the whole world watching.

2) Let him tempt fate and stand too close to the edge. Just walk away because, really, it's all you can do. So let him fall - let you breath take ten time beats and calmly gather his broken bones, lungs, heart, and spirit in your arms. Because all the love and fear in the world cannot and will not make him whole.

3) The intense rage, Love, and Awe I felt for this kid across the thousands of miles we traveled together - hurdling through skies, rolling across miles and miles of nothingness, bottomless canyons and chaotic casinos - are indescribable, raw, and can’t ever be traded in or up for anything other than what what they are: Recognizing yourself in your children.

And when we touched down back on familiar ground on June 1 - what would have been my 17th wedding anniversary - I hug this wiry body goodbye and I tear up because I'm exhausted and feel like I have absolutely nothing left to give and every second in this moment is an emotional, nostalgic Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young melody.

I am so profoundly affected by this complicated mother-son-dance-of-fear-love-and-loathing-and-acceptance. The reflections, the meanings, the tales - they need an ending that brings it all together and neatly wraps up the narration - but for now, we keep adding to our story and I am grateful for the chapters that are yet to come.

#AmorFati #SilentAnniversariesOfTheHeart